Bae wishlist, 2008:
Mature, romantic, good-looking, M.Sc. holder, good job, God-fearing, well spoken.
Bae wishlist, 2016:
Mature, romantic, good-looking, M.Sc. holder, good job, God-fearing, well spoken, alive, genotype AA.
You would think that the choice of whom to date was yours to make, but naaaaay! There are higher powers that decide these things. To say I never ‘hexperredit’ would be putting it mildly.
My AS genotype has dealt with me in this my life. Though I always knew I was AS and had to marry an AA guy, I never imagined it would be the big problem it has become. No seriously, this is actually a very big problem that deserves an annual Genotype Incompatibility Awareness Week (GIAW), so the general public can commiserate with people like me who have had their relationship status reset without their consent, and their boos snatched away by the cold hands of genetics.
So I was done with the university and ready to take the dating world by storm. Young in my early twenties, not bad-looking at all, single to a stupor and finally ready to mingle. Where awon boys dem?
That was how I ran into Jide at a company on the Island. Jide ticked all my boxes! Cool-headed, fresh to death, and sharper than gillette! On top of it all, he and I had such a deep mental connection; the kind where you get orgasms just from gisting. It felt right; I was in a relationship.
It was all smooth sailing until one year later when he casually asked for my genotype; which I hadn’t thought to ask him all this while, because really, how many AS guys were out there? Surely the one I fancied couldn’t be AS? So dumb of me, I know.
The speed with which he broke up with me was rather too fast for someone who claimed he was catching feelings. Hmm brother Jide fear God o! Anyway, I was broken, but not shattered.
Strategy#1: Always find out the genotype early in the relationship
Cupid smiled on me again when I met Femi at a colleague’s wedding. I caught his eye, he caught my eye; needless to say, phone numbers were exchanged. Before I knew it, we were hanging out every evening after work, and on weekends too. There was something very homely and comforting about Femi. He grew up with four sisters, so he had a good grasp of the workings of a woman’s mind. He was a boyfriend, brother, father, and confidant, all rolled up in one. Unfortunately, it was the confidant part that come spoil show! Three months later, and it was time for baby girl to find out Femi’s genotype.
“Why do you ask?” he asked, eyeing me suspiciously. “To find out if we are compatible…I don’t want to go too deep into this relationship only to get heartbroken at the end”.
My guy flared up o! “Just 3 months and you are already thinking of marriage?” Babe that’s a lot of pressure, I can’t deal!
Shuo! Oga Femi, someone cannot confide in you again? Where’s the pressure in the question, and what is wrong with thinking about marriage anyway? You think I’m here for dating without destination? Ogbeni abeg take several seats in a stadium!
Things escalated really quickly, and the rest as they say is history.
Strategy #2: Ask for genotype before exchanging numbers with a potential boo
Like, “Hi my name is Funmi, what’s your genotype?” I don’t care if it’s too forward, I don’t have the strength to catch feelings that will be wasted.
My people, I thought I had it all figured out, I didn’t know that the next shocker coming my way was still doing press-up. I used strategy 2 on Yinka, a guy I met several years later in church. He told me straight up that he was AA and I thanked my lucky stars. He thought my being forward on the genotype matter was a bit funny, but he said he appreciated my pro-activeness.
The relationship progressed smoothly and very quickly too. Why not, he was a very cool guy, and I’m such an awesome babe, I mentioned that before, didn’t I? Anyway, four months later, and a date for introduction was fixed. He came with his people to meet my people, during which my dad doled out the conditions for marrying his precious daughter. Guess what was top on my dad’s list? Genotype and HIV test result. My popsy wanted evidence o, because he understood the struggle in these streets, bless him.
That was how Yinka and I went for the test, and it turned out that le boo was AS. As in AS to a stupor! Dude lied to me about his freaking genotype. Who does that? How selfish and deceitful can one be? And to think I would have married his lying ass.
Anyway, I am still single and searching and asking “who knows where they are selling good men with AA genotype?” Push has come to shove.
But wait, am I the only that genotype incompatibility is resetting her relationship status? Please leave a comment so I’ll be sure my case is not caused by my village people.